It’s quite odd how much of an idiot intelligent people can be about some things. I’m speaking of myself. Others behaving like idiots happens, but that’s not my problem or responsibility, other than how I allow it to impact me. If others want to treat people badly, illogically or uncaringly the best thing I can do is give them a wide berth. It’s my own idiocy that concerns me. I cause myself infinitely more suffering than anyone else can, or rather than I allow them to. It’s curious that you can even be aware of it, yet for many years still fail to learn the lessons which would prevent it from repeatedly tripping you up. I’m not entirely sure how that happens, other than it probably being learnt at an extremely early age and therefore hard to see as anything beyond normality. It’s a bit like being an incredibly good reader, except on certain topics where you’re dyslexic. It’s illogical, nay stupid, and sometimes makes me want to hit myself over the head, though usually the area of life it affects me in does that far better than I could anyway. In that sense it’s totally masochistic, without the attendant pleasure.
It’s high time I stopped it. In fact I should have done so long ago. I don’t want to go into what it is because I don’t want my learning to be sabotaged, yet again, by others justifying their unjustifiable behaviour, demanding pity or indulgence, but I do sincerely hope I can finally learn. Any relevant parties will see the change if there is one anyway.
I had a 3 hour nightmare last night. I know it went on that long because I kept waking up. I’m not sure why I didn’t just get up. Maybe I needed to see the lessons it was trying to teach me, because it was the same one, over and over again in differing format. My unconscious has clearly seen the issue, and definitely wants it to change. I wonder if I have the umph to do so. Only time will tell. But what I’d like to avoid is going to the opposite extreme, because I know, both from my work and personal experience, that that can very easily happen, and it isn’t helpful. The trouble is when you don’t know how to do something the act of learning it will inevitably be clumsy and inept. But better inept than stupid.