I’m an idiot

It’s quite odd how much of an idiot intelligent people can be about some things. I’m speaking of myself. Others behaving like idiots happens, but that’s not my problem or responsibility, other than how I allow it to impact me. If others want to treat people badly, illogically or uncaringly the best thing I can do is give them a wide berth. It’s my own idiocy that concerns me. I cause myself infinitely more suffering than anyone else can, or rather than I allow them to. It’s curious that you can even be aware of it, yet for many years still fail to learn the lessons which would prevent it from repeatedly tripping you up. I’m not entirely sure how that happens, other than it probably being learnt at an extremely early age and therefore hard to see as anything beyond normality. It’s a bit like being an incredibly good reader, except on certain topics where you’re dyslexic. It’s illogical, nay stupid, and sometimes makes me want to hit myself over the head, though usually the area of life it affects me in does that far better than I could anyway. In that sense it’s totally masochistic, without the attendant pleasure.

It’s high time I stopped it. In fact I should have done so long ago. I don’t want to go into what it is because I don’t want my learning to be sabotaged, yet again, by others justifying their unjustifiable behaviour, demanding pity or indulgence, but I do sincerely hope I can finally learn. Any relevant parties will see the change if there is one anyway.

I had a 3 hour nightmare last night. I know it went on that long because I kept waking up. I’m not sure why I didn’t just get up. Maybe I needed to see the lessons it was trying to teach me, because it was the same one, over and over again in differing format. My unconscious has clearly seen the issue, and definitely wants it to change. I wonder if I have the umph to do so. Only time will tell. But what I’d like to avoid is going to the opposite extreme, because I know, both from my work and personal experience, that that can very easily happen, and it isn’t helpful. The trouble is when you don’t know how to do something the act of learning it will inevitably be clumsy and inept. But better inept than stupid.

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4 thoughts on “I’m an idiot

  1. Ha, something like for me….. I regularly revisit my little and large idiocies of the past and it’s rarely voluntary. I’m not sure, when it happens, if I am up for forgiving myself or looking for justifications. After all, when has the human race run solely on its rationalities. At same time, I do consider your own take on this, that there is a need for resolution of the effect of idiocy! The feelings I relive can be desperate and nauseous. As far as I can see for myself, it’s about my tendency to miss pertinent details, usually of relationship, because I am impatiently foregoing focus for the sake of grasping the Whole picture and bogging down with the complications of seeming cause and effect. Hey, that sounds conflicting in itself! I agree, something has got to give. Well now, when time comes to die, i’ll know all the flashbacks off by heart!!

    • Well my past tends to visit my present, but other than that I can relate. Missing pertinent details, failing to see ones own reflexes in action until after the event (if at all), not comprehending the cause and effect that’s taking place, especially including our own influence rather than holding others responsible (after all they rarely force us to do these things, are just themselves) all play a part. Tbh I’m often relieved when I get cross with myself rather than someone else because it means I’m close to seeing and relinquishing those idiocies. As for when we get to dying I’m hoping there’ll be few, if any left. Not to say I’ll be perfect or any other foolishness, but that I will be happy to die when I’m free of ballast.

  2. Oh, hush up that self-deprecative nonsense! I hear enough of it from myself 🙂
    It’s comforting to hear you feel relieved when you get cross with yourself because as you put it, it means you’re closer to seeing and relinquishing your idiocies. I am not sure I often consider my self-created displeasure, especially not with relief. It’s a good way to think of it. If I am my own worst enemy, then I am also my own best champion.
    Lately I’ve been seeing how empowered I can be (almost typed ‘Emperor’ having drawn that in a short Tarot reading for myself yesterday :). This week I am settled so looking to get back online, processing.
    ‘Ballast’ is a great word 🙂
    I am thinking to start a blog; I’ve had several in the past but always abandoned. My life has changed quite significantly, though, or at least my approach to it, so I don’t think it will be so impermanent. At any rate I won’t know until I get into the thick of things, but that’s coming up fairly quickly.
    I look forward to being relieved when I’m not well with myself, thank you for the kind advise 🙂

    • I don’t see this as self depreciating. In fact it is at these moments where pennies drop, self sabotage held for a lifetime is relinquished, where I feel infinitely more powerful (in myself, not over others). It’s a relief and a pleasure, though I can see how it might appear to be otherwise. My power falls back into my own hands, since it has always been me who has allowed myself to do things which are not in my own, and probably others, best interest.

      Let me know if you start a blog and I’ll pay it a visit.

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