Clearly there’s something quite significant going on for me. I now discover I have a health scare going on. I won’t know how serious it is for a little while, though I managed to hassle the hospital into giving me a cancellation, they’d have kept me waiting for up to a month. Such matters bring out a range of things in both me and those around me. Fear can have some odd effects and what people need when something unpredictable (and not in a pleasing way) is happening varies enormously. I tend to be pretty much like I am in everything else, straight, needing clarity, since I can cope with pretty much anything when I know what it is, feeling whatever I’m feeling, surrendering to the experience openly so I can see what I need to and be who I am. I can’t be doing with idle speculation and I certainly don’t want anyone telling me ‘it will be alright’ unless it’s a doctor with some results in his/her hand confirming it and even though one could say that in absolutely any situation in some respects.
Some are very good at offering support in that they seek to discover what the person in difficulty wants and needs whereas others seek to rescue or falsely reassure or to offer placebos of various kinds. I have to say when in these situations I can find myself rather intolerant of such things, however well meaning. In fact Pete this is what we were discussing on one of your blogs. Meaningless reassurance just grates, as do lunatic suggestions of cure alls.
Chances are even if it’s serious it won’t polish me off, but it’s curious that one seems to play with that idea when even the slightest possibility crops up. Is it my turn to go? How would I feel about that if it were? Because one thing’s for sure, it will be one day, and which of us knows the moment? It is the thief in the night. I’d rather it wasn’t yet, I’d like to do some more living first, and I can think of far better ways to go, but it’s a strange feeling and experience.
I have no idea how I’m going to feel as this goes on. I seem to be feeling the need to express myself all over right now, but I may go silent at some point. Only time will tell. But I know this, along with everything else in life, needs to be embraced and lived not shunned, avoided or with any pretence or self delusion, and there is something for me to gain from it irrespective of the outcome.