Breaking more

Clearly there’s something quite significant going on for me. I now discover I have a health scare going on. I won’t know how serious it is for a little while, though I managed to hassle the hospital into giving me a cancellation, they’d have kept me waiting for up to a month. Such matters bring out a range of things in both me and those around me. Fear can have some odd effects and what people need when something unpredictable (and not in a pleasing way) is happening varies enormously. I tend to be pretty much like I am in everything else, straight, needing clarity, since I can cope with pretty much anything when I know what it is, feeling whatever I’m feeling, surrendering to the experience openly so I can see what I need to and be who I am. I can’t be doing with idle speculation and I certainly don’t want anyone telling me ‘it will be alright’ unless it’s a doctor with some results in his/her hand confirming it and even though one could say that in absolutely any situation in some respects.

Some are very good at offering support in that they seek to discover what the person in difficulty wants and needs whereas others seek to rescue or falsely reassure or to offer placebos of various kinds. I have to say when in these situations I can find myself rather intolerant of such things, however well meaning. In fact Pete this is what we were discussing on one of your blogs. Meaningless reassurance just grates, as do lunatic suggestions of cure alls.

Chances are even if it’s serious it won’t polish me off, but it’s curious that one seems to play with that idea when even the slightest possibility crops up. Is it my turn to go? How would I feel about that if it were? Because one thing’s for sure, it will be one day, and which of us knows the moment? It is the thief in the night. I’d rather it wasn’t yet, I’d like to do some more living first, and I can think of far better ways to go, but it’s a strange feeling and experience.

I have no idea how I’m going to feel as this goes on. I seem to be feeling the need to express myself all over right now, but I may go silent at some point. Only time will tell. But I know this, along with everything else in life, needs to be embraced and lived not shunned, avoided or with any pretence or self delusion, and there is something for me to gain from it irrespective of the outcome.


13 thoughts on “Breaking more

  1. Indeed; false reassurance only adds insult to injury. At least you have the benefit of living in the U.K. as these things are happening. America, on the other hand is the wrong place for feeling under the weather, to put it mildly. Even if you were to pull through, you might still give up the ghost when you see the medical bill. Granted, even that is a form of reassurance I find unproductive. That is, comparing someone’s situation to a hypothetical scenario that’s even worse. (Though my “observation” was intended to be more satirical than reassuring.)

    I’ve read (and come to realize for myself) that the key constituent of fear and distress is simply not knowing. It’s funny how our minds work: Certainty surrounding something serious can feel more assuring than uncertainty surrounding something petty. Sometimes, the conscious awareness of this premise, alone, may put the mind at ease. I often reduce my mind to a mechanism that reacts to certain things the only way it knows how, positioning myself–whatever “self” is in that context–someplace outside of it all to play the role of a spectator.

    I don’t really know how to end this reply so… Yeah… Let the future become the past, as it will anyway.

    • It’s funny, when I work with clients in therapy they’ll often feel guilty that their situation, their pain, is not that bad in comparison with others, and I always point out their pain hurts irrespective of whether it stacks up favourably against others suffering or not. In a way your comment on health care in America is similar, though I am extremely grateful we have the system we have. It’s highly flawed and the conservatives have been eating away at it every time they get in, quality is patchy and it depends where you live what you get etc etc, but at least you don’t have to take out a mortgage if you have a medical condition.

      Not knowing is the one thing the human mind seems very poor at handling, and I’m human in that respect myself. I seem to do the opposite to you, I completely immerse myself in whatever’s going on once I know, face it head on with mind, emotion and any other aspect. But this is something very interesting and fundamental to a lot of human stupidity, that if they don’t know they’ll make it up. Whether it be gossip, reassuring stories about life, the universe and everything, even science and theories no one has any real evidence are the case, it will be clung to like driftwood in a stormy sea. It seems the rare person who dares to say ‘I don’t know’. Mostly I have no trouble doing that but in this instance I’ll be glad when I do.

  2. The moment someone hands me a meaningless reassurance, I generally tend to take a chain-saw to it, blow it into smithereens. They really are about as useful as a box of nails…in your bed, that is.

    Very sorry to hear of your distress. I am glad you are able to share it with us, I’d be perturbed if you were perturbed and it wasn’t shown. The wild ride of the health care system can be crap at the start but I’m glad they got you an earlier cancellation. Whatever it is, having been someone who’s had several major health scares (some that almost killed), things really get better once people start getting test results and stop farting around like you’re just, not there. Clearly you know that but do keep us posted (to whatever extent you like etc).

    Feel better :/

    • Thanks K. I agree on all counts. This is the worst bit, the bit before they actually start acting. Even if there’s unpleasantness and pain involved as you say once you’re embraced by that system they’ll do whatever they can to resolve things and that is when it starts to feel like you’re getting somewhere. Waiting in the void is not a happy place to be.

      It’s good to be able to share. I think this format is probably going to be my chosen one because those who genuinely care can come and find it rather that it just being on general public display. More coming on that later probably, or a related topic anyway.

    • Yes please. Our second hug in as many days after never a one in years. lol I could actually do with a real one from someone who cares but no one is near enough physically, or if they are they don’t care enough to bring it.

      And thanks Drew. πŸ™‚

  3. As I told you, I have been processing shingles. Please don’t box yourself in. The cracks are also fractal. Dang your dogma, Horatio!!

    • I hope your shingles aren’t too painful Ed, as I believe they can be. I know the cracks are fractal and bring many gifts with them, but some are rather sharper and harder to embrace than others.

      • I know you know and I am rooting for you…….as well as myself πŸ™‚ Herpes Zoster is my friend. I am mightily impressed by German

  4. New Medicine but remain vigilent for the cracks in it. I am processing the whole issue, as I know you will be, are and very much have been in your work and with your mother’s passing. Shingles has been a focus of my processing. I deliberately used the word processing when giving you my condition before in order to to convey a differential.

  5. Sorry about the split reply,, hmmm…..when the hare takes over on this keyboard things jump before my eyes and part goes sailing on through πŸ˜‰

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