What if we didn’t look?

We’re bombarded, or rather we bombard ourselves by looking, looking, looking, at the media. We see the world is a dark and difficult place, where people don’t seem to care any more. They would rather argue, fight, bemoan, hate, criticise, condemn, fear, regret, feel helpless. The alternative to get involved in petty distractions, avarice and the hypnotic foolishness that seems to represent entertainment.

The addictions are those repeated small lever pressing hits of buzz, of satisfaction, that like any ‘good’ addiction don’t quite provide the satisfaction needed to stop doing it, as we sit, transfixed, before screens which promise us the world and deliver a dystopian one where nothing is quite as it seems. But what if we walked away? What if we went back to lives where reality was what we actually experienced? What would our lives be like if we returned to our bodies and accepted the only reality was the one we could touch, taste, see, feel? It’s hard to say.

It’s not something you can undo, this opening of Pandora’s box. Now it’s all flying about the place and we can’t put it away. Even if the whole thing crashed and we no longer had that window onto the world that isn’t, we would be forever changed. Or would we? I wonder how long it would take for us to re-find our smaller reality that connects us to the earth, yet curiously also to mankind, to nature, to each other. That smallness that is infinite, rather than an illusion of influence and meaningfulness that isn’t. Or maybe it’s still there, and we’ve become overwhelmed by the sea of so called information, drama and manipulations we can’t see the wood for the trees.

If I look at the life I have it bears little resemblance to the one I’m told I have. It’s so easy to become entangled in the whirling mists of media hype and agenda’s, when actually, really, what has changed? Do I care any less? Suffer any more? No. I am as big and small as I ever have been.

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3 thoughts on “What if we didn’t look?

  1. Let me just try and explain how i got here to this site before saying what i actually feel i need to say so it will not come across as senseless or purposeless bad or evil personality driven trolling.

    I was going around the interweb in pursuit of all interesting things related to Sith and the apparently infinitely wide range of interpretations of the Sith code, philosophy, lore and how it fits into the real world if it fits at all.

    Why i was doing that probably requires some clarification first i now realize, to provide context and not make me seem like a total basket case with his head in the fantasy of sci-fi fantasy ideology currently owned by Disney.

    Over the past decade the events in my life brought me infinite suffering. The me that i was at the start of that decade of misery was a confident, strong willed (stubborn perhaps) intelligent and well balanced man.

    I had been raised privileged, sheltered and loved throughout the late seventies and through the eighties with little more to care and worry about than what was going on in the commodore c64 and Amiga cracking and demo-scene.
    On top of that foundation i had become an adult in 1992 and proceeded to party my way through that decade with a vengeance, experiencing life and reality at the low end of the wealth and social layers of ‘civilization’.

    So the zero’s were a time in which i seemed to have my act together, my life on the road with a well paying job in IT, company car, loads of rl friends and plenty of opportunity to indulge in the pleasures of life.
    I knew who i was, how the world worked, and i was confident the best was yet to come.

    As i look back i could summarize it by saying i was naive beyond words.
    The misery came hard and fast, taking away loved ones, slowing and eventually halting progress in my career, falling into the trap of using drugs so i could pretend i was still having the time of my life while systematically breaking down all that was good in my life bit by bit.
    In 2008 i met a women who seemed to love me, despite my very obvious flaws (both in personality and physically), and the deplorable state of my life.

    In december we got married, and i was convinced i had been granted salvation. This was, in my experience, confirmed when in 2009 my son was born. Love makes blind as they say and 2010 was the year life decided to drive the truth of that home savagely.

    On december 24th my wife told me she didn’t love me anymore, the 25th she told me she’d been having a relationship with another man for 6 months, the 26th she told me she would be leaving me and she was gone the 27th.

    To cap it all off she, the police and the Councillors had convinced me that if i didn’t go along with what she wanted she’d dissapear with my son and i’d never see him again so i had to let her take my son away (500km) to live with her new found love on december 31st.

    Over the 5 months that followed i learned that she was neglecting my son and fought a long and expensive battle in court to be awarded care and he came to live with me full time.

    From one second to the next (for me) i went from a divorced single to being a single 24/7 daddy with a full time job.
    Of course life decided that was far too easy to cope with so it decided to throw in a debt left behind by my ex who by then had moved to Sweden and finish it all off by blowing up the economy costing me my job.

    Since then i’ve fought and struggled my way to being a decent dad, raising my kid to be a happy, healthy, bright and absolutely awesome 5 year old who always had everything he needed and a lot that he wanted despite the debts and little to no income, total absence of any help from childcare services, family or friends.

    The only trouble we really had was the feud our neighbors insisted they we had with each other and they fought by constantly calling child protective services with anonymous complaints about me abusing my son, being a criminal and probably loads of other things i never learned of.

    This culminated earlier this year in my son being placed into foster care on the grounds that there had been to many reports being made to ignore which raised concerns that needed to be addressed for the safety and development of my son.

    Ever since that moment i had hit rock bottom. I came so close to blowing myself, and the whole block of houses around me, into a great expanding cloud of superhot gasses even i have cold shivers down my spine thinking about it (if i had not misjudged the size of detonation anfo needs to blow i’d not be typing this)

    The past two months though i have, drawing strength out of my interpretation of the Sith code and the Dark Side philosophy, been struggling, fighting, building my way back on my feet. I cleaned up my house to spitpolish shine, got the wheels of personal bankruptcy turning towards a light at the end of my financial tunnel and quit the last of the drugs i had been on for the past 25 years successfully.

    The past week i have even noticed myself almost not being depressed anymore, not having to struggle and fight myself anymore to get myself into motion and doing what must be done to move forward.

    However strange it may sound, however mentally twisted my mind must be for it, embracing the anger and hate inside me works for me. I can now focus the anger into the strength i need to go on fighting to get my son back (court date in October) and fuels the power i need to do what must be done and keep the faith my son will be back in a couple of months.

    So that’s why i was looking for all things Sith on the internet and that’s how i stumbled across an old forum where you replied to a question from someone who was depressed, and frankly could use all the help he/she could get.

    However, the answer you gave baffled me. I read it twice and still had no idea what you were trying to say or what you meant. But somehow it did compel me to click some links to find out more and wound up on this blog where i started reading. I started pretty far down in the older posts (2012 i think) and read all the posts going up all the way to your last post in may this year.

    Of everything i read i think i understood maybe 10%. The rest i haven’t got a clue about what it was you were trying to say. It strangly compelled me to keep reading, increasingly desperate to find some understanding but unable to stop reading. Now i find that i would be overstating it when i say i feel more depressed than i ever did but it wouldn’t be much of an overstatement. I feel empty, sad and everything feels kind of pointless to me now. Any energy i had feels drained and i feel tired, as if the exertion of a lifetime has caught up with me.

    Most of all i feel frustrated. I am well educated, am regarded as intelligent, have encyclopedic knowledge of many things and irritate the hell out of people by constantly being right about almost everything.

    But i cannot understand 90% of what you blogged over the past 3 years or what you’re saying in your tubevids.

    I know it’s probably an asshole thing for me to reply to your last blogpost, and even more to do it in a message this long (i’d be shocked tbh. if you even read this far) but inexplicably i felt i had to.

    Anyway, i’m going to lie down and try to get me some sleep. I am so fucked up right now… I….. damn.

    • Thanks for your comment. It’s perfectly fine that you should offer background and detail. It can sometimes be quite hard to offer a useful response when you know next to nothing of the person you’re speaking to. But even now, knowing a basic history, I still don’t know who you are in terms of what would be an appropriate response you might find of value.

      I want to address a few points you raise, and if you want to seek clarification or communicate further please do.

      Embracing your anger is a valuable and purposeful thing to do. Anger, like all emotions, is there for a reason. Most people haven’t got much of a clue about how and why emotions are as they are, beyond the most basic. Anger lies at the least understood end of the spectrum. It seems to be a wild and scary feeling which often wreaks havoc in peoples lives, so they either suppress it, avoid it, or deal with the odd explosion when they can’t. But anger and the huge energy associated with it is about change, and gives you the drive to keep going if you can learn to harness it. Depression is not an absence of emotions, it’s a suppression of them, which is why it’s so exhausting. Anger is usually the first layer below the surface, hiding the grief and sadness that lies deeper.

      You’ve had a lot to handle. Some events which would break many a person, and you’re suffering as a result, but fighting back. The sort of losses you’ve incurred are bound to have a massive impact, so I would suggest a two pronged approach. Firstly, that you treat yourself with kindness and as much care as you can, so the pain of what you’ve endured, and are enduring, can be risen from gently. Bullying yourself won’t work, but allowing your human vulnerability a little house room so you can begin to recover will. Use the anger not against yourself, or in flailing around, but to move yourself forwards to get your child back. But use it in a focussed way. This is really hard to learn to do, but once mastered can move mountains (though no specific result can be guaranteed). It’s like learning to hold fire without it burning you. This is where the Sith philosophy will come into its own. But it’s not an easy lesson, and I can’t offer you an easy formula to master it. If you imagine focussing your anger into a laser point, which rather than overwhelming you, or you use to lash out and do harm, becomes like a light sabre you must learn to wield wisely and with purpose; then you will begin to change things for the better. Not revenge, which tends to come back on you, your energy ultimately used against yourself.

      You say you don’t understand most of what I say, and that you’re intelligent, as if the two are mutually exclusive. Aside from the fact there are numerous perspectives from which to look at everything, no one, however intelligent or experienced, knows everything. And they never will. I’d go so far as to say that intelligence denotes someone who never becomes a know it all, considers they’e arrived, or has a handle on life. If anything it’s the reverse. Intelligence continues to seek for answers and understanding, to keep questioning, remaining open, learning and developing.

      It sounds as if you’re very much heading in the right direction. I wish you well, and hope the court case results in the return of your cherished son.

      • On another note, it’s interesting to find I have now been automatically subscribed to myself. At least now I’ll know what I’m up to.

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